Tuesday 22 August 2017

SLEEP PARALYSIS - Awake In A Nightmare

I'm a Christian - this has some relevance with the post that you will see further down. It's also relevant that for me being a Christian took a long time of sitting on a fence, needing proof that Jesus existed, as in my mind I reason there is a scientific explanation for everything. So when around 9 years ago I started seeing and feeling a dark presence in my room, whilst awake hearing voices and feeling someone breathing and crushing me, I put it down to watching films, the moon causing shadows and well frankly any logical explanation that could help me stop these episodes, which I now know as Sleep Paralaysis.

My first encounter was when I was married, it's odd how I cannot remember what I did yesterday yet these lets call them 'visions' are so vivid in my memory.  My first encounter that happened in sequence of about 3 times a week always began with a dark, cloaked shadow at the end of my bed. I would look to my right and see my husband asleep trying my hardest to communicate with him, trying in vain to reach out to him with just my foot or anything so I could wake up - but I couldn't as I was completely paralysed. The shadow would then move on top of me, crushing me and I could feel it's breathing on top of me and all I could do was wait. Nothing happened and I would then be able to move, I would 'wake up' and would do all I could do not go back to sleep, but then the shadow would still be there and I realised I'd already gone back into that deep REM state of where your mind is awake, but your muscles are completely paralysed and it would start again.

I had these episodes with the same shadow on and off for a few years, until I went through my divorce and then they took on a much scarier turn. This time I tried to reason it was stress, but fact was nothing could prepare me for the 'red eyed demon' on top of me in the night, as I looked down and saw it's claws scratching my legs and sick as this sounds, trying to have sex with me. I thought I was finally losing the plot until I 'Googled' and realised I wasn't alone in these nightmares, and that these 'demons' even had a name Incubus or something like that (apparently there is one who has sex with females and another one has sex with males).

I saw my GP who told me I was suffering with Sleep Paralysis, took her advice of turning off any blue light, not eating before bed, not reading the news or watching any scary movies (although in fairness I didn't do this anyway). Still I had this visitor that would leave me so scared, that when I woke up I would do all that I could to not fall asleep. Eventually only one thing worked. I said the Lord's Prayer and looked it straight in the eye and said 'I'm not afraid of you anymore'. It vanished and I thought that was the end of it.

Sadly my next episodes were even more scary. One point I woke up to see my son getting in my bed, the duvet lifted up in the air and I said 'Freddie please go back to your bed', only then did I realise that it wasn't my son, but the black shadow was back - as it started leaning over me, crushing me and I felt it's breathing, and once again I said the Lord's Prayer and it vanished.

Another vision, hearing voices on my landing convinced I was being burgled I got my self defence weapon of a baseball bat, which I keep next to my bed and bravely got up and went onto the landing. I checked the children were safe and then went downstairs, hearing these voices in my house. As I walked back to my bedroom I noticed my dog was fast asleep - it was then I realised I was asleep - my dog would've by now be tearing into and barking at any intruder. I got back into bed and cuddled my dog. The next morning the bat was at the end of my bed. This one threw me as I was awake, had slept walked but wasn't like the others paralysed.

I searched for answers on the internet, befriended fellow Tweeters, I've tried everything but after last nights episode I've sat down and cried and cried asking God to help me. Last night I had 2 episodes that resulted in me waking my 9 year old son to sleep with him (usually it's the other way around), too scared to go back to sleep. As a single mum with 2 kids I'm exhausted enough as it is. I figure all I can do is ask God for help and this is what he told me.

My question of 'is this scientific or is it something else', he wouldn't answer purely because if he said if scientific I wouldn't stop looking for answers and if 'something else' it would freak me out and he doesn't want me delving into the world of the unknown. What he said was to simply ask him for help, even if I can't speak and he will help me.

You may think this sounds completely nuts, but when you look at all the fellow sufferers out there, many aren't Christians and yet all of them say the only way they can get out of this is to ask God for help. Oddly each time I do, I feel a tingle like pins and needles start at my feet and go through my body and then wake up.

To get a picture of me I'm not a 'wacky-backy' Christian, I believe, pray but I sin often like humans do. I rarely go to Church due to time and the kids but my faith is incredibly strong. I pray every day and have absolute certainty in my mind that Jesus exists. It's incredibly personal to me and I don't like to talk about it, so putting this out there is incredibly hard for me.

I guess the reason why I'm doing this is to get answers still, feedback from anyone else who has this. As I said there's tons of info on the internet, documentaries have been made however, what I can't understand is why we all have the same dream, the same demonic nightmare and we all get out of it the same way as I do.

Anyway on a lighter note, I'm going to sleeping with a poster of Chace Crawford above my bed tonight - will pin it on my ceiling (albeit he is rather young for me…), still a girl can dream hey!